10 Gross Things About Babies

Posted In: Motherhood

Only when you're this young will the entire room clutch their hearts and "Awww" in unison when you fart.

1) They have swollen faces and coneheads from being crammed inside your lady garden for so long at birth. You can make it sound like you have the vagina of Wonder Woman by telling people that you crushed your kid’s skull into that shape as he was being born, but really…it happens to most vaginally born kids and it’s temporary. If they’re born like my first son was, they might also have forcep marks around their face. For days.

2) If you’re formula feeding and you don’t wait for the yellowy mustard-y poop after the green sausage-y poop, you’ll be changing another diaper soon.

3) You can watch their brains pulsating inside the spot on top of their heads that literally has no skull yet.

4) When you pour water over their heads, their hair parts naturally, exposing the zig-zagging lines of skull bones that haven’t yet fused together.

5) Yes, baby boys get erections. It means “Get out of my way lady or I’ll pee on you”

6) Ever seen a baby with a thick white coating on his or her tongue? It probably means their mother has a raging yeast infection and they caught it on the way down. That’s a story for the 21st birthday.

7) Dare you to look under the arms and inside the neck rolls of a newborn who hasn’t been bathed in 24 hours. Seriously, new babies shed skin like crazy and being chubby little roly-polies doesn’t help things.

8] Newborns wear mittens because they come out with nails like Wolverine and everyone’s too scared to go near those tiny fingers with nail clippers just yet.

9) Their first poops are black, tarry and would probably be best cleaned with a toothbrush and industrial strength solvent, but you have to use cotton balls and hopeless anti-everything no-anything wipes because their bum skin is delicate as butterfly wings.

10) You have to regularly clean their belly button stump, where the remainder of the umbilical cord turns from fresh yellow to rotting-flesh black before it eventually drops off and then you can keep it. Really truly! I have both of my son’s.

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  • Sandman

    You sick, sick person…

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