My first son walked at 10 months old.
He met all milestones early.
Neither of my sons have experienced any serious illnesses.
They have great immune systems.
My second son is in the 95th percentile for weight and the 60th for height.
He’s been sleeping an undisturbed 10 hours straight and has been doing so for months.
I held both of my sons close and looked deep into their eyes while feeding.
I like to wear scarves for Byron to fiddle with during feeds.
He falls asleep in my arms as he feeds and we cuddle for a long time.
Feeding time has always been a deeply intimate bonding experience for us.
***
Do I sound like a breastfeeding mother?
I’m not. I formula-fed both of my sons; my second son was fed primarily from a bottle right from birth.
I am tired of the shame. I felt so
much guilt and shame for not being able to breastfeed my children. The way the lactation consultant patronized me when I couldn’t do it, the way she said “Well there’s obviously something wrong with you” when my blistering and blackened nipples failed to produce more than a mere drop of milk despite the constant expressing…it filled me with a sense of failure. And what for? My babies, as noted above, have achieved everything that breastfeeding mums give themselves credit for because they were lucky enough to breastfeed. But when my babies achieve it, I can’t congratulate myself. For me, it’s just the luck of the draw that my kids thrived so well despite the lack of the boob.
Is it jealousy, the reason why I feel a pang of annoyance and even offense when I read tweets like “My baby does [insert awesome thing here], it’s the breast milk!”? I think to myself…well, no, my baby does that too. I see people retweeting anti-Formula tweets about a baby’s death due to bacteria found in the formula; “This is why I don’t formula feed” they say, but no one ever points out that children have died after breastfeeding too, for example when the mother has taken narcotics. Freak accidents. Both incidents.
And if it is jealousy driving my feelings when I read such things, why am I jealous? My babies are content and thriving, we enjoy
each other’s skin-to-skin and eye-contact every time we feed, I have nothing to envy. Nothing but the admiration and approval of our very pro-breastfeeding society. I envy that.
I’m an awesome mum. My kids are awesome kids who achieve milestones and thrive. I always give them the best I’ve got to give and sometimes, breast is not best. I tried. My first son lost significant amounts of weight and wailed with hunger whilst I sat around crying and overcome with failure and depression, forcing him onto dry and infected nipples. I refused to put myself or my next son through that again the second time around and simply gave him my colostrum along with formula from Day 1. Both children thrived on formula. Why do I feel so ashamed and guilty?
I think society could use some more support and understanding for those mothers who cannot breastfeed, or those who chose not to. There’s nothing more hurtful to a mother than it being implied that she is not doing the best for her children. All these “breast is best” campaigns, they make us breastfeeding “failures” feel like second-rate mothers.
Think about it like this. To me it’s just as hurtful as if someone put “Vaginal is best!” posters all over a delivery suite. Yes, we all know vaginal births are the least risky and most ideal way to give birth. But some women can’t do it and some women exercise their right to just plain choose not to do it and have a c-section instead. But the consequences of their choice or inability isn’t constantly rubbed in their face in the media simply for the sake of making the mothers that COULD do it feel great about it…and the mothers that couldn’t feel shamed and hurt.
Sometimes it’s not a choice.
And so what if sometimes it is? Do women not have the right to make choices related to their own bodies without being guilted or shamed?
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